So far, there have been about 10 critiques from my writing workshop of the first scene of Sugar Shack Queen. It’s early days yet, so there will be more, but I’ve got enough now that they’re starting to take over my desk. I’ve also got a sense of what I need to fix.
When I posted the scene, I knew it was missing something. I even knew that the something missing was a sense of Hope as a person. I just wasn’t sure how to get that into the scene. The very first critique I got addressed this problem. What I was missing was clearly drawn internal conflict.
Wow, I thought after reading that critique, so that’s one problem solved. Of course, the next nine Cherries gave me other things to think about. My usual problem is lack of conflict, but I really thought I had the conflict nailed this time. She has a coffee shop and Starbucks is moving in across the street. The conflict is crystal clear, right?
Yes and no. The larger conflict is clear, but the scene conflict in terms of Hope’s goal and who’s blocking it left many critiquers puzzled. Thought I had the goal, the antagonist, and the beats down cold. But hardly anyone saw it the way I did. Which led me to the conclusion that I didn’t have a strong enough scene goal for Hope. As one Cherry put it: she reacts to other people, she never acts.
Hope IS too passive in this scene. Her goal was to avoid seeing the truth of her situation. That’s just not a credible goal. So now I have to figure out a way to make her more actively engaged from the first page, maybe the first paragraph.
People pointed out lots of other stuff, but these are the major points I’ve taken from the critiques so far. Oh, and at least three people caught something that completely escaped me, at least consciously. The story concept resembles You’ve Got Mail to a remarkable degree.
I don’t see this as a problem, because the concept is the only thing that’s the same. Hope doesn’t fall for the multi-millionaire son of Starbucks, or even the manager. And she’s going to find a way to prevail or at least hold her own against the big guys.
Maybe I can use the similarity to shape a high concept statement. Something like “You Got Mail Goes For Coffee.”